I’m not much of a reality show watcher but two caught my eye this season: The Jackson Family Dynasty and One Big Happy Family. Now that they’ve ended their seasons, I’m left feeling sad for one family and inspired by the other.

Sad. The Jackson Family Dynasty left me feeling sad for the brothers. Their lack of maturity and self-awareness was stunning. They’re all older than me (I’m 50) but their words and actions reflected a much younger, and less-developed, mindset. While several moments in the show disturbed me, the moments that stick out are the ones with producers Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. When Tito and Jermaine first met with them, the award-winning producers asked them what their sound was. The brothers had no answer. Jermaine may have blurted out something like “we want a hit.” That exchange showed how lost the four brothers are as a group. They don’t even have a vision or purpose for their music. All they have is some vague notion about carrying out the family legacy, which is really Michael’s legacy.

In Sunday night’s final show, Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis put a similar question to them: How do you answer the question, Where is Michael? Of course, the brothers didn’t understand the question. Jermaine said something about, “he’s in our hearts” and the other three agreed. As Terry Lewis said in his commentary, the brothers need to understand that they’re not carrying on the Jackson 5, they’re starting a new sound with four brothers. Until the brothers recognize this, I don’t seem them doing anything productive as group.

I have some sympathy for the brothers because it must have been difficult living in Michael’s shadow. That said, it’s time for them to give Michael his props. Michael was the greatest entertainer of all time, not The Jackson 5. They’re not Michael and can’t carry on Michael’s legacy but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a place for them. But first they have to accept reality. If it was hard making a name for themselves in Michael’s shadow when he was alive, I’m afraid it’s going to be even harder now that he’s dead. I advise them to listen to Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. It’s all about the music. If the music (and not stardom-seeking) is their focus, they have a chance.

Inspired. One Big Happy Family left me feeling inspired. For one, the family began to see the results of their lifestyle changes in the form of weight loss. Most of all though, I appreciated what they showed as a family. Home has to be a place where you’re accepted and loved unconditionally, and that’s what their home was. If you watch Oprah enough, you’d think a family this big would have all sorts of self-esteem issues. What I saw was a reasonably well-adjusted family who ate too much and moved too little. Why do I say they’re well-adjusted? They talk to each other. The wife works and the husband is a stay-at-home dad. They live in a nice home and seem to have a comfortable life. The kids seems to have their heads on straight. I was pretty impressed that the son loved to swim. I was equally impressed that the daughter was in the flag corps at school. Why was I impressed? Because these activities are not normally associated with fat and obese kids. Had they been brought up in other families, they may have shied away from these activities because of self-esteem issues. But their parents encouraged them to pursue the activities. I can’t wait for the show to resume in the summer so that we can see how things are going with this family as they continue their weight loss journey and the daughter gets ready for college.

I have done a lot of solo traveling in my time. I’ve also travelled a lot with girlfriends. I have to say that traveling with a husband or a fiance is quite different. Traveling with a husband is also different from traveling with a fiance.

George and I stayed with my mom several times while we were dating and during our engagement. It’s nice that when we stay with her now we get to sleep together in the “big bed” in the “big room.” I get the feeling my mom’s glad we’re married. Now she doesn’t have to give up two of her rooms when we visit. I actually felt like a grown-up the first time we stayed with her after we were married. Strange, huh?

In general, traveling is different with my new hubby. That include driving trips. He’s the driver. I automatically get in on the passenger side every time I get in the car. This is a big one for me, but it’s been an easy adjustment. To let you know how little I drive, I got in the car the other day and I’d forgotten where the emergency blinkers were. I’m only the designated driver at night and that’s because my night vision is better than his.

If we’re doing a road trip, we start early with him at the wheel. When he gets tired, I take over. He usually ends up driving 2/3 of the way to my 1/3. It took me a while to get used to his driving though. During our first road trips, I couldn’t sleep while he drove. We are drastically different drivers. He drives slower than I do. I used to watch the speedometer while we were on the interstate and every time his speed dropped below 70 (it would go as low as 60), I’d get anxious and my head would start hurting. He also made more stops at rest stops than I did. As a single woman on the road, I never stopped at rest stops. Wendy’s was my stop since their bathrooms were always clean. Now I’m a rest stop lover.

I’ve gotten used to his driving now, so I tend to sleep when he’s at the wheel. He sleeps when I drive but not easily. He thinks I drive too fast and follow too closely. He used to put on brakes on his side of the car when I was driving. Talk about irritating! He doesn’t do it anymore. At least, I don’t think he does.

Air travel is a real bonus. He carries the bags, all of them. I have to beg to carry my own bag. I’ve given up. If he wants to do it, I let him do it. As my momma told me, “Let the man be nice to you.” So I do.

We like cruising. The details of why I’ll discuss in another post. Anyway, hubby really takes over when we get off the ship at the shore destinations. He negotiates with the cabbies and tour bus drivers. He negotiates with the vendors. This is important because I don’t negotiate. I ask people what they charge and then I pay it. He doesn’t go for that. So when we’re off the ship, he carries all the cash. Why? Because he’s afraid I’m going to pay way too much for something and/or give it all away. He’s probably right.

The result is that I’ve developed a negotiation strategy. I simply tell the vendor, “He’s not going to let me buy that at that price. How low can you go?” Guess what? It works. Well, it works sometimes. One woman told me that the next time I came to Jamaica I needed to bring my own money. I was insulted but it was sorta funny.

He’s also the trip photographer. Left to me, we’d have no pictures from any trip.

By now, you’re probably wondering what value I bring to the travel. To be honest, I’m wondering that myself. Not really. I keep track of each day’s itinerary. Before the GPS, I was also in charge of directions. I guess my job will be to input the addresses in the GPS. We’ll see.

Okay, who does the driving in your house? What’s it like traveling with your significant other?

A few weeks ago, I posted about the revisions my editor and agent wanted for my upcoming book. I went back and read that post and was happy to see that I’d written this:

This time I’m going to take a deep breath and give the ideas from my editor and agent some serious consideration, remembering that they are on my side and want the best for me and this book. My challenge is to give my editor a book that she can sell that’s also a book that I can call my own. I’m up for the challenge. I have to be. Given the way my Lord works, if I don’t get it now, I’ll be facing this same situation for the rest of my career.

Well, I did exactly that. And I still couldn’t see the point of some of the requested revisions. Guess what I did then? I emailed my editor (copying my agent) and asked if we could talk again. In the email, I posted my concerns about the proposed revisions and made suggestions for what we could do instead. As I hit the “send” key, I was a bit anxious about her response. The anxiety was all for naught. My editor and I spoke the next day. She was open to all the suggestions. In fact, one of them she had considered herself. I’m feeling like the book is “my book” again, only better.

Before taking my cooling off period, I was feeling hemmed in and overwhelmed by the suggested revisions. When I went back to look for my editor’s email, I was looking for a mail with an attachment containing a dozen revision requests. I only found a simple email with about five suggestions. While I still didn’t agree with all of them, I saw the goal she was trying to achieve. As a result, I was able to write a 3-5 sentence response to each suggestion explaining how I proposed to address it. It was that simple.

I have to say that I now have a stronger story that is still my story. The process worked. Lesson learned.

I hope you all had a blessed holiday season, enjoying your family and being thankful for what you have.

We spent Christmas with my mother in Atlanta. My cousin and her husband were also there. My mom wanted to prepare everything so nobody brought anything. And she prepared a feast. I would list everything she cooked but it would take the entire post. The preparation was her gift to us, she said, and you could tell how much she enjoyed doing it. My mom’s a young 72 and I thank God everyday for her good health and good spirits.

Given the state of the economy, most of our gifts this year were cash. It was very much appreciated. I just wish we had more to give.

George and I did exchange gifts. We went out on December 23rd and purchased them together. He got a GPS for the car and I got the iPhone (8 GB). He loves the GPS but the iPhone may be going back. The experience is not at all what I expected, though it was nice to return e-mails while sitting for an hour in traffic on Christmas Eve.

About that GPS. I learned early in my relationship with George that the old saying about men and directions was true, but this GPS has brought it home in a brand new way. Guess what? He debates the GPS. I couldn’t believe when he first did it. We decided to use it going out to dinner one night. Well, the GPS said the restaurant was on the right and he said it was on the left. I just looked at him. He was challenging “the lady,” which I how we refer to the GPS.

So now he has a GPS that he has to learn to trust. Men are too funny! My only comment during these GPS debates is “trust the lady” and then I shut up. Hey, if you’re not driving, there’s not too much you can say anyway.

I’d love to hear about your holidays. It’ll be a great way to start the year.

I know that’s not a topic you expect to see on my blog. Actually, it’s the name of another blog by a sales person at a major publishing house. It’s an interesting blog with some good information. He recently did a post on promotion that I found helpful. What You Can Do: Twelve Easy Steps, HERE.

My vacation from blogging is about up. I’ll be back next week with new posts.

Until then, take care of yourself.

I’m taking a break from new blog posts until the new year so I don’t have an original Newlywed at 50 post this week. For your reading pleasure, I point you to a blog that I enjoy reading, Life After 50. I really enjoyed (and could relate to) her post on Couple Dating so don’t miss that one.

Enjoy the holidays and keep safe! I’ll be back with new posts on January 4, 2010.

Those of you who read this blog regularly have probably noticed that I’m doing two blog posts a week: one in my Newlywed at 50 series and another about writing. Given my N@50 post about boundaries, I’m taking a break from blogging for the holidays. I’ll be back with new posts after the first of the year.

Since I’m not writing an original writing post this week, I thought I’d point you to an “interesting” article about the state of African-American fiction. To be honest, the cover and title, Afro Picks, disturbed me so badly that I have yet to read the article. I’m going to read it though and I’ll let you know what I think in 2010 which is only a week away. In the meantime, let me know what you think.

Here’s the link to the article: http://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6711430.html

Here’s the link to the cover, which you have to view:
http://www.publishersweekly.com/toc-archive/2009/20091214.html

It seems a lot of folks didn’t like the cover picture. Read what the editor says: http://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6711692.html

I really don’t have a problem with the image. My problem is with the combination of the image, the cover title and the article content. The image and the cover title did nothing for a genre that’s trying to mainstream itself.

The article really gave no new information. It was once again African-American fiction week at PW so the standard fare article was trotted out. I wonder what we’ll see next year.

Enjoy the holidays and be safe!

When I started doing these Newlywed at 50 posts, I thought I’d end up with some cute stories about my new husband. Instead, I’m gaining a bit of insight into my own quirks.

When you’re single, your schedule is pretty much your own. For me, there were few boundaries between work and personal life. When I worked in industry, I remember sending e-mail to my boss at 2am in the morning and getting a quick reply! You could say we were workaholics. Or you could say we had jobs with a lot of flexibility. Sure I worked in the evenings, but if I had a personal matter to attend to during the day, I would take the time away to do it and nobody blinked. They didn’t blink because they knew that I (and everybody else) put in more than a 40-hour workweek anyway.

Even now, it’s nothing for me to work in the evenings or on the weekends. I sat on a panel for new faculty at my school recently, and one of the things that I told them was to consider that they had a 24-hour clock each day and not an 8-hour clock. We don’t punch in at 8 and punch out at 5. We meet with students when they can meet. We conduct research and write articles. Some of us do these things better during the day while others of us do them better in the evenings. Some of us do them better in our offices while some of us do them better at home.

Well, things are a bit different when you have spouse. I learned this lesson on a recent trip that hubby and I took. Well, I needed to check my e-mail so we had to find an Internet Cafe so I could do so. Well, by the time we found the Cafe and I conducted my business, we had missed our scheduled tour. He didn’t say anything but the look he gave me spoke volumes.

I’ve got to establish some boundaries, y’all. I can’t plan to spend every weekend or every evening working, whether on my school work or my writing. There have to be “no work” times. I think this is going to be a challenge for me. It’s going to require me to be more structured than I am now. The term “balance” must have meaning for me.

I have a colleague (only one, I think) who has no home office and only works in his school office. He doesn’t send or respond to email from home. He basically has an 8-to-5 job.
I don’t think I’ll ever be that strict in my time allotment but I’m going to try to adopt some of his structure.

How do you all maintain balance in your lives?

I should have titled this post, Things that make you go hmm. What I’m going to do is share with you some of my incomplete thoughts on writing Christian fiction and ideas I’ve heard around the Christian fiction community. These really are incomplete ideas so feel free to help me think them through completely.

1. Some Christian fiction writers equate their novels to the parables that Jesus told. While I sorta understand what they mean, I’ve always found the connection a bit of a stretch. A parable wasn’t 300-400 pages long. Jesus didn’t charge $6-$25 to read one. Also, Jesus didn’t get upset when someone re-told the parable and gave away the ending. That was sorta the point of the parable. I think likening Christian fiction to parables is a way of elevating the work, but I’m not sure it needs that kind of elevating. Christian fiction novels are something good but they’re not parables.

2. If writing is ministry, what does it mean that in order to benefit from the ministry one has to buy the book? I’ve never said this aloud but I’ve always equated selling a book and calling it ministry to Rev. Ike selling prayer cloths. If it’s going to bless somebody, why do they have to pay for it? If someone has a need and you have the means to meet it in a book, why do they have to pay for the book? Well, the obvious answer is “writers and publishers have to eat, too” which I certainly understand. I want to make money just like any other writer, but what is the role of money in ministry? When do we tell our publishers to reduce the cover price so more people can have access to the books? When do we take a pay cut so that book prices can be lowered or books can be given away?

3. I went back to the apostle Paul (1 Corinthians 9) to get some clarity on the relationship between ministry and money. I’ve always focused on Paul’s bold statement that he worked so the church couldn’t claim any hold over what he did and said since he didn’t depend on their money. That supports my notion that the money you live on doesn’t have to come from your ministry. But Paul was also a sponsored missionary in that he lived off the support and gifts from the church communities to whom he ministered. So how does that translate to those of us who see writing as ministry?

It is difficult for me to conclude that if our writing is ministry the only way for folks to get ministered to is to buy the books we write. That’s too capitalist for me. If it’s ministry, we rejoice when books are shared, bought used, borrowed from the library, downloaded from the Internet. All because our purpose is to get the message out. But we have a dual purpose–to get the message out and to get paid. How do we reconcile the two?

Maybe instead of writing ministries what we have are Christian businesses (in most cases, sole proprietarships) that are run according to Christian principles and that produce novels that present the truth of the gospel in stories that reflect our contemporary society. By definition, a business has to make money to survive so it’s natural for a business to charge for its products.

I don’t think using the “Christian business” terminology takes anything away from what we do as Christian fiction writers. As Christians, we are called to do everything “as unto the Lord.” This applies to our jobs, raising our families, writing our books, everything. So what do you think?

This is the third post in my Newlywed at 50 series.

A close friend recommended that my dear hubby (DH) and I find a new home together rather than moving into his place or mine. We took that advice. My girlfriend’s husband moved into her house and she said it always felt like she was making room for him as opposed to them sharing their space. Wise observation, I thought.

So DH and I found our place together. Interestingly, it’s not a place I would have chosen as a single woman because it’s old (too much might need fixing and I can fix nothing) and it doesn’t have a garage (how do I get in and out without folks seeing me?). But it met our main criteria: large rooms.

Before either of us moved in, we discussed what we would take from our individual homes. I moved in first so that gave me the upper hand a bit since my stuff was placed in the new house first. The big winner in all this though was DH’s oldest daughter, who made out like a bandit. Her new apartment was practically furnished from stuff he wasn’t bringing with him. Lucky girl!

Our first purchase together was a king-sized bed. We both had queen sized beds. Mine ended up in our guest room and his ended up with his daughter.

The most used room in the house, the master bedroom, is where his influence is shown most through two huge recliners and a big-screen TV that are like his close friends. No, the TV is not a plasma or an LCD, which means it’s old and big and clunky, but it shows a great picture. He has a designated recliner and I have one. His is black and sits on the back side of the bed while mine is burgundy and sits on the front side of the bed. His is a rocker recliner; mine is not. I have a funny story about him and his chair that I’ll tell in a later post.

We debated the use of closet space before we moved as well. We both have a closet in the master bedroom, though a few of my things can be found in his. His overflow is in the guest room and mine is in the office. Then we have several of those vacuum storage bags of clothes all over house. I think we should have just given the clothes away. I don’t think we’re ever going to open those bags, especially since we can’t remember what is in which one. We needed towels when my brother and his family visited. Instead of searching those bags for the extra towels, it was easier to buy new ones. That’s sad.

The office is a space we thought we’d share but we were wrong. It’s become his office more than mine. My office floats around the house, but is primarily in the master bedroom in my big burgundy recliner. I do love that chair. I consider it his wedding gift to me.

I thought bathrooms would be an issue, but they weren’t. This house, because it’s older, has very small bathrooms by today’s standards. No double sinks in the master, no whirlpool tubs, no two-person showers. The master has a single sink with cabinet, a commode and a shower. That’s it. The guest bath is about twice as large, with a tub-shower combo. Well, the master bath is my bath and the guest bath is his. We’re both happy.

Merging turned out to be fairly easy. We have one big thing left to do: wall hangings. That’s probably going to take a while. I have mostly family pictures and he has mostly artifacts. And I have no idea where to put them all.